Stay Seventeen
by amsterdamage
Summary: A wise woman once told me that the most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire. ZanexOC
1. the end

wow, who remembers this?

i wouldn't expect much if i were you but you know what they say about the third time being the charm.

* * *

**the end**

A wise woman once told me that the most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.

When I asked her what she meant, she only smiled and pushed my hair out of my face, pressing her lips to my forehead. In a whisper, she told me that no matter how much I love Batman and how much he loves me back, he won't always be around to save the day.

Meaning: you'll be on your own one day, kid, so best be your own most powerful weapon.

She told me that I would understand when I was older.

Then she kissed me on the forehead and tucked me in, making sure to turn off the lights upon leaving my bedroom.

I never slept soundly again.

Now, ten years later and a hell of a lot smarter, I know what she means. With his arm draped over my hip and his breath soft on the nape of my neck, I wish I didn't. The past few weeks have been one mother of a ride and my insides hurt with his love, _our love._ I can't breathe with his body pressed against the back of mine and when I try to roll out of his grip, his hold on me tightens to a point where I start to feel claustrophobic. I feel his lips move to the back of my neck, and I feel like crying with the lethal amount of self-loathing in my stomach.

If this is what love is, then no thank you.


	2. one

my writing has not gotten any better during my hiatus.

* * *

**one**

The world is full of such pretty things.

The curtains have been pulled apart, letting in the faded winter sunshine and a panoramic view of a typical Domino skyline of glass towers and planes. Everything is clean cut, sharp, and pristine. There is a certain beauty in this modern atmosphere with its straight-laced tidiness and polished exteriors.

I guess it reminds me of Auckland City's vista: the Sky Tower, corporate buildings, and high-end hotels with the glimmer of the Waitemata Harbour nearby. I feel a solid pang of homesickness before my daydream is disrupted.

'Santana?'

I try to hide my disdain for the woman. 'Sorry,' I say automatically, even though there is no sorry bone in my body. 'What was the question?'

'I asked you how your father's leaving has affected you,' Dr. Tai repeats patiently, her eyes unwavering.

'Oh.' Of course: some father-related query with the analytical intention to pry into my personal life and unravel the reasoning behind my feelings of abandonment and societal anxiety. 'I don't think it's made me all that different.'

Dr. Tai raises both eyebrows. Apparently this response is concerning. 'Really?'

How can I know if my father's premature departure has made me different if I never knew what it was like to have him present in my life?

'I guess,' I say indifferently. 'I see no reason why I should put energy into someone who obviously doesn't care about me.'

'But he's your father,' she says, as if there is some significance in the fact that I have his chromosomes inside my sematic cells. 'Are you saying you feel no connection whatsoever?'

'I suppose I am.'

The doctor writes this down in my file, and I wonder if this is going to be sent home to my mother. 'Do you have this kind of apathy towards any other people?'

'Not that I'm aware of,' I say after a second's deliberation. 'Why?'

Dr. Tai purses her lips slightly, and her eyes move down to look over her notes. 'Well, it seems that if you feel no connection with your own father, your ability to form relationships with others may be compromised,' she explains, but this does not make sense to me. 'How has your mood been as of late?'

'Fine.'

'Is your medication helping?' Dr. Tai regards me carefully, making notes on her paper without looking away from me. The possibility of her being a robot crosses my mind momentarily.

'I guess.' I haven't gone too crazy or killed myself yet so it must be working just fine.

'I understand that you are going back to New Zealand for the holidays with friends.'

'You understand correctly,' I say before I can shut my smartass mouth.

Dr. Tai ignores this and continues, all professional-like and such. 'Do you have enough medication?'

'Yes,' I say thoughtlessly.

'Are your friends understanding of your situation?'

I think briefly of big blue eyes, and how they would look at me if he knew. 'I haven't told them.'

'Oh?' Dr. Tai asks, genuinely surprised.

'They don't need to know. It's not their business.'

'I see.' I think she wants me to elaborate.

Tick, tock.

The silence between us resonates with the secrets I cannot tell her and the questions she cannot ask me. I wrinkle my nose slightly, feeling disdain weigh down heavily in my gut for this woman who refuses to smile and is programmed to weed out all of my trivial feelings about my father and process them with her laser eyes.

With a small sigh, Dr. Tai looks to her wristwatch and I think she is also relieved that our time together is up. 'Well, it looks like we've had our hour.'

I pick up my bag.

'Have fun on your holiday.'

I nod. 'Will do.'

Dr. Tai pauses, before adding: 'Feel free to contact me if you need to.'

I make a mental note to forget this at my earliest convenience. The last thing I want to be doing on my holiday is making an international toll call to my psychiatrist about the state of my mental health, and I think she knows she won't be receiving any phone calls from me any time soon. With nothing more to say, I bid Dr. Tai a meaningless farewell and exit her office. The receptionist bows her head on my way past.

The air outside tastes much cleaner. I take in a lungful.

Five stops later, I am the first off the train. I see Zane standing outside a 7-Eleven not too far away, smiling when he sees me emerging through the crowd.

'How was the physiotherapist?' he asks when I meet him, pulling my scarf tighter around my neck when we are hit by the wind upon leaving the station.

'Great,' I lie, smiling. 'You finished packing?'

'I have,' Zane replies. 'Alexis sent me a text reminding me to be at Chazz's place by six, but I think she means five-thirty.'

Laughing, I check my own phone and see a replica of that text sitting in my inbox, which I missed because of Dr. Tai's strict no-phone policy during appointments. 'Is she going to get pissy with us for being late, even though we're actually on time?'

He just shrugs. 'I struggle to understand why she doesn't just say to be there at five-thirty if that's when she wants us to be there.'

I wave a hand dismissively. 'It's one of those girl things you wouldn't understand,' I explain.

'Ah. Say no more.' Zane knows not to question further. 'You aren't like that though.'

'I must not be like most girls.'

'No,' he decides slowly. 'No you aren't.'

At Zane's house, I go upstairs to my room, which was previously the guest bedroom prior to Zane and I meeting. This is where I stay during the holidays if I don't go back to New Zealand, kindly allowed by Mr. and Mrs. Truesdale.

Zane helps me pack since his bags are already ready to go by the front door. I use the term 'pack' very lightly, because it's really just me throwing belongings into my open suitcase on the floor and Zane patiently folding everything.

'Is this it?' asks Zane, looking down at my neatly packed suitcase and then to his phone. 'We only have half an hour to get to Chazz's place.'

'Yeah, I think I've got everything,' I say, scanning my room quickly. With my suitcase full, I sit on top and Zane runs the zipper around to seal it. I throw a few airplane-safe items into my handbag including phone charger, wallet, _The Bell Jar_, and passport. 'Let's go.'

We make it to the doorstep of Chazz's apartment building at six on the dot. A maid buzzes us up to the Princetons' waterfront penthouse where on arrival, she takes our bags and informs us that dinner will be served at six-thirty.

'You guys made it,' Alexis announces upon entering the living room.

Zane and I exchange a glance, before I ask her what time she arrived.

'Five-thirty,' she answers, her eyes turning back to the massive wall-mounted TV screen, upon which Jaden and Chazz are button-mashing their way to _GT5_ victory.

I raise an eyebrow but sit myself down on the couch between Zane and Atticus, who are immediately absorbed in the _Gran Turismo 5 _battle in front of us. Alexis and I the only ones who seem to be uninterested in the game, Alexis because she isn't a car buff and me because I can't stand racing games.

'Hey Santana, isn't this the game where you never use the brakes?' Jaden pipes up from his position on the floor, his eyes never moving away from his yellow Lambo in his attempt to overtake Chazz's Ferrari.

'You don't actually need the brakes as much as they say,' I say defensively. 'Although I can't say your choice in vehicles is great.'

'What?' Atticus turns to face me. 'Lamborghini and Ferrari? What are you talking about?'

I raise a hand to stop him and roll my eyes. 'Please. Bugatti trumps all. Discussion closed.'

Chazz scoffs, rudely disregarding my _discussion closed_. 'Whatever. You obviously don't know your cars.'

'Excuse me? Bugatti Veyron?' I wave a hand. 'Fastest street-legal production car on the planet? A top speed of four hundred and eight kilometers per hour and one thousand brake horsepower with a W16 engine and four turbo chargers? I make no mistake in saying that tops your glorified Italian tricycle.'

'Yeah, I'll admit the Veyron's fast _in a straight line_, but this is a race track, honey.'

'With that kind of acceleration, it doesn't matter,' I defend hotly. 'Give me ten seconds and you'll be in my rearview.'

'Oh, please, your fuel tank won't even last long enough at that kind of speed.'

'Son, I don't need twelve minutes to whoop your ass. You seem to be forgetting that I'm the only one here who actually has a driver's license.'

'Considering how you usually drive your virtual Bugatti, I'm surprised you're still alive…'

Then it is Alexis's turn to roll her eyes as a full-on automobile-related argument breaks out, which Atticus decides can only be solved by pitting my German hypercar against Chazz's Ferrari Enzo, but according to Zane, it only takes three minutes and twenty eight seconds before Chazz resorts to ramming his vehicle into the back of mine halfway down the final stretch and I throw both our controllers across the living room in a fit of gamer rage.

The others have to pull us apart when it ultimately results in full-throttle wrestling on the living room floor. Zane ducks from my flailing arms and grabs me around the waist as Alexis and Jaden untangle Chazz's legs from mine, but not before I aim my socked foot into his groin. Atticus is somewhere in the background, probably looking very amused as Chazz lets out a very manly cry.

**XVII**

The next day, we are at the airport by seven. Chazz is chugging coffee on the way like his life depends on it, our feud easily forgotten in our early-morning haze.

The airbus engine whirs loudly as we find our seats: the six of us take up nearly one whole row. With two seats on each side of the plane and three in the middle, Atticus is by himself with a strange girl beside him who he's trying to chat up. I am wedged between Jaden and Chazz, with the Princeton insisting on inciting some kind of competition or argument with Jaden who is more focused on the games that are available on the TV screen in front of him.

'Oh wow, look at all the things they have on here!' Jaden is pointing out all the features and movies to me. 'They've got games and TV and everything!'

Chazz taps me on the shoulder, gesturing to his right where Alexis is hissing my name and waving her hands in my direction to get my attention. I pull out my earphones as she leans across Zane and mouths, 'Can we swap?'

I look to my left, where Jaden is fixated on the screen in front of him, button-mashing at some colourful children's game. Nodding, I shove my feet back into my Vans and gather together my things. Alexis is doing the same from her seat beside Zane, and Chazz gets up to let both of us pass him.

'Hey,' I say, settling into my new place.

'Peace at last?' Zane smiles knowingly.

'Thank God.'


End file.
